WHAT HURTS US THE MOST, IS THINKING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH US
There is a deeper layer beyond having our heart broken by another, essentially it has nothing to do with the other person, what really hurts us is how we feel about ourself, often these feelings are subconscious, hidden below our surface layers, they need strength, or at least a willingness, to dig them up. Initially we believe it is the other person’s actions that are hurting us, heart break as I’m discovering, is not caused by another human being, the pain arises from our own feelings about ourself - our idea that there must be something wrong with us, we're not quite doing something right, if someone does not want to partner with us, to give and receive love, or share life experiences with us, and they share truthfully, nothing about their choice has to do with us personally, it has everything to do with them and their own unique path, it may include their fears, or their desires which are simply not aligned with our path (in this moment of time), if we take their personal truth personally and confuse it for our truth, that is where the pain sets in, pain also comes heavily from an attachment to a story or expectation of a story - how we imagine our path unfolding with another. Imagining these stories can be quite beautiful, and I find it is not damaging to build a story that involves another being, the damage comes when we get attached to the story HAVING to play out exactly as we imagine it to. Surrendering can help us move through heart break more effortlessly, letting go of the need to control, accepting what is, and calling forth clarity, not sure if pain free is possible as we are emotional beings, we can feel things so deep, and a big gift of being human is in these feelings, I feel the art of living comes through learning how to move through pain efficiently, allowing ourselves to feel emotions, use them as fuel for our path, rather than them being our mud or shackles, preventing us from experiencing joy. Sometimes we may even feel pain that does not personally belong to us, rather it is the pain of a lover, friend, family member, a person in the street, we see ourself in them and we recognise the pain, we feel it, we empathise instead of offering compassion - compassion allows us to not take on board the pain, rather we acknowledge it and offer our understanding/love to the person experiencing it.
In a powerful moment of surrendering in yoga a couple of weeks ago, I suddenly realised that I have been so open with my heart this year, after a year of a long-distance partnership where I was considering to enter a defacto relationship mainly for the willingness to share life with someone else, to experience what commitment and loyalty would be like with another being beyond the level I have experienced so far in this life, yet ignoring guidance from my Spirit that was not being expressed out of fear of being considered ‘crazy'/misunderstood’. In realising that life experience was not aligned with my Soul Path, and essentially letting go, not forcing control on having to make it work for the sake of it working, it naturally released itself. I entered this new year with a willingness to learn and trust my intuitive guidance, after seeing how powerful it is to ask Spirit to intervene for my Highest Good (this included a canceled flight due to the whole airport closing down which prevented me from reconnecting with someone from my past, and paved a completely new path! The experience still blows my mind, and reminds me to surrender when I do not know if there is trickster energy about, when I feel I cannot see beyond someone’s mask, or simply am unsure if my choice aligns with my Highest Good, I usually see people’s light, not the masks, I’m learning through experience and lately through mediation to now recognise the masks, a very powerful tool I would recommend people learn, especially young women entering the dating world), to tell me who to open to. Without necessarily understanding the guidance with my logical mind (something I’m exploring, and although sometimes painful, I find it so much more fulfilling and inspiring than following my logical mind - been there and done that, I’m currently in a new cycle of life this year where I have committed to working with Spirit, navigating this way is taking some fine tuning, some risk taking, a lot of surrender, followed by a lot of grace, humility, connectedness, gratitude, bliss, and beauty). This openness of my heart has not been received the way I expected it to, which caused a few ripples of shock and uncertainty about my guidance, it was less scary being a woman who took her time to open her heart and let down guards, however the more I continue to surrender and trust in my intuitive guidance, the more clarity and grace flow through, this path feels more fulfilling for me and more in alignment with the path I feel I have incarnated for, so let more of the mystery unfold.
What I had not realised with my openness and readiness to love and be loyal, was that I had neglected feeling worthy of having this love and loyalty received, I was practicing self-love in the best way I knew how, to feed myself well, take time for myself, time to connect with my Spirit, but what I had not been offering was compassion, and acceptance of myself, I have been SO hard on myself, expecting myself to be doing better at life than my physical reality is showing me I am doing, better at life than potential intimate lovers were reflecting to me, I was allowing myself to feel stupid at times, not wanted, and not accepted, I felt like something was wrong with me, this realisation caused the pain in my heart to sink deeper and then ripple through my body, tears filled my eyes, I could not believe how harsh I had been on myself, how blind I was to this cruelty, while being so accepting and loving of others. In that moment I realised the heaviness in my heart that had continuously flowed in (and out) of my world this year had absolutely nothing to do with others, yet everything to do with myself, I had not accepted myself, approved, or felt worthy. This lack of worthiness is what has been reflected to me in my choice of partners, it explains why I did not have feelings for even the most beautiful of men who were willing to love me and partner up with me, I had feelings for the men who were not ready for me, who had no room for my love or willingness to share, it perfectly mirrors what essentially I was experiencing internally, my lack of self-acceptance and self-worth, I did not feel worthy of being loved and taken in and therefore in a moment of meeting someone who I couldn’t believe I had chemistry with played out exactly like that, I couldn’t believe it was true so I couldn’t have it, and I didn’t feel worthy of the magic and the beauty, so naturally they were not feeling ready to explore the beauty and magic of a partnership. I thought I had learnt to love myself, I spent time encouraging myself to see my own personal beauty and light, instead of any considered flaws, I have learnt to be comfortable in my own skin, but I had not yet learnt to be accepting of my being, my soul expression! I had not accepted my uniqueness, or spent time releasing the disillusion of being unworthy, hence feeling like the most beautiful, inspiring, playful, adventurous, strong and loving man would not want to partner with me. I reached my limit of being able to handle any more feeling of ‘rejection’, ‘not being wanted or apprecaited’, not being seen, I reached my limit of a hurting heart, it hurt so bad and I wasn’t even deep into any sort of a connection, I was lost and confused by my emotions, thankfully through experience I have taught myself to nurture myself when feeling any kind of pain, no sabotage and no numbing, rather nurture, clarity and CHANGE! Even though my heart and my stomach hurt, there was a knowing to go to yoga that day, my logical mind couldn’t understand it, and I never imaged the depth of healing I would receive from a class, these knowings and inspiration to do something withouth the mind doing the guidance are always so powerful. In moments of heart break it helps us to go and connect in a gentle community event (personally I was feeling particularly drawn to women, and not wanting comfort from men in this moment, which I feel is important to honour - in the past I have been drawn to be comforted by men, surfing with male friends has worked absolute magic in the past), go to the ocean, be in Nature, all of these things soothe us and guide us, I am so grateful I went to yoga that morning, I had not expected the healing that would flow through, but it makes sense now, to have experienced a moment of surrender, no controlled thought or story unfolding in my mind allowed that slither of light to shine on my shadow, and the clarity bomb hit. The tears were a release, they didn’t make it out of my eyes, I held them in during the class, and released them later. The release took my pain with it, my heart started to feel lighter, with the awareness I was able to create change, the change starts from my perspective of my self, it requires empty space and empty thought, the releasing of stories and old habits, in those empty moments I am able to see myself from a Higher Perspective, I am able to re-wire my thoughts, I am able to remind myself that I am worthiness, I am abundance, I am unique, and I am doing the best that I can! We are so hard on ourselves, we often forget that we are like a child, learning each stage as we approach it and growing through experience, response-abilities come from learning how we choose to respond in life, what feels good and what feels bad, our mis-takes are our learning experiences, we call them in in order to grow, we call them in in order to re-write our ‘wrongs’, new beginnings are constantly possible, however it is with wisdom and grace that new beginnings become enjoyable, we reach our limit, break open, learn what our Soul has been calling to learn, and enjoy the gratitude of expansion, followed by a new beginning that offers us a ‘playground’ to experience the new version of ourself - in this Earth there are constant cycles of death and re-birth, we break open and expand constantly when we are willing, a lot of us sensitive and old souls I feel are here to accelerate along our learning path, hence a lot of the time we call forth experiences that allow us to break open into greater depths of being, and feeling!
If we let our outside world rule our inner world, rather than our inner world unfold our outside world, we are essentially walking around in shackles, shackles that keep us stuck in something like heart break for longer than necessary. If you are currently experiencing heart break I encourage you to call forth clarity, I encourage you to do all things that align with wellbeing, eat healthy wholefoods from Nature, sing or hum, go for walks, sit alone in Nature yet push yourself to connect with community - you may not feel like dancing, but a yin yoga class or group meditation will soothe your being on some level, it can be really soothing to share space with community in something like yoga where essentially you have your own space, no one is in your face or making you act in a way that requires you to ignore how you truly feel, take time away from your phone and computer, travel on public transport and be present, the healing connection comes through presence with others, we miss out on that presence when we ride a train scrolling through our phone.
The toughest part for me when I feel heart break is that I lose that rush of inspiration and creativity, this was my tipping point, I’m currently working on a book and I found my light was so dim that I couldn’t even bring myself to write my chapter on heartbreak, in that moment I called forth my angels of unconditional love to help give me clarity, that was the night before my yoga class. It is always okay to ask for help or for comfort, I often ask through unconditional love which ensures light beings are helping, rather than any dark energies (or dark emotions).
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, YOU ARE NATURAL AND WONDERFUL, LOOK AT YOURSELF AND CARE FOR YOURSELF LIKE YOU WOULD A CHILD, ALTHOUGH GROWING WITH WISDOM, YOUR CORE IS STILL THAT CHILD WHO WANTS TO FEEL THEY BELONG, AND HAVE NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM!
If you would like to dive deeper into this concept, a wonderful synchronicity for me unfolded later that day, I remembered a book title to ask someone about and it brought me to this talk about Releasing Self-Aversion by Tara Brach, which aligns so perfectly with the clarity I had received for where I was on my path. I found it comforting listening to this supporting material.