ATTRACTING PERFECT LOVE
As I listened to a beautiful man who I recently met share about his previous experience of having a heavy, hurting heart, I felt compassion but felt so disconnected from the emotions he was communicating, I have definitely experienced those feelings, however I had been in such a state of bliss and gratitude for life, my own path, and not needing to partner up with anyone (although inspired to), that my heart has felt explosive and radiant with joy, freedom, and a sense of gratitude, for the past few weeks, which almost, miraculously, has felt like a lifetime, and was preventing me from being able to completely relate to a hurting heart, in that moment of time. Then a couple of days later, while caught off guard, I experienced one of those moments where the rug got pulled from beneath my feet, something unexpected happened, and I found myself with a heavy heart that hurt, it hurt so deep and felt so heavy, which shocked me further - I had been in such a good place, higher and more grateful than I ever have been, that I felt perplexed how easily and unexpectedly I had moved into a state of pain and sadness, I wondered if I had energetically taken on board another person’s emotions, and mixed them up with my own?! Surely this pain didn’t belong to me, I felt like I finally had my shit together in terms of this love and partnership thing. I had not even gone deep with someone, or myself, in order to be in a vulnerable place of being hurt, so the deep sadness was quite confusing. I did some processing, lots of crying (yikes, but also fantastic), thinking, wondering, and then finally resting… and in that moment of resting the clarity bomb hit!
The man who I was spending some time with, who I was unsure of in the beginning, but also inspired and open to (because of the synchronicity attached to our meeting, how I felt before and during the space where we met, the timing, and even having been heard of without putting a name or face to, previously), he was almost exactly what I had been calling in… I created a clear vision the previous week, I knew what kind of partner I wanted to spend time with, if I were to spend time with someone, everything appeared to be there, except one main factor - his age, he is a fair bit older than me, and I was quite clear after having experienced a discord in lifestyle values of someone I was in partnership with who was quite a lot older than me, a couple of years ago. Apparently according to law of attraction, when we manifest, often we will be presented with something that appears to be a very close match, almost perfect, but not quite perfect, a specific detail/one aspect is missing or incorrect, and somehow out of fear or uncertainty if what we want can truly exist, or at least come our way, we settle, convincing ourselves we can make do, instead of trusting that the perfect manifestation is right around the corner. I was aware of this concept when I met this man, but I was still open to seeing how it would play out, everything else was exciting, beautiful, and somewhat magic, so I was not willing to say no to the experience, just mindful to stay aware, not get too carried away in story, and check in with my intuition. Although I must say, when we feel the excitement of spending time with another being who feels so good to be around, intuition is felt and recognised, but not always listened to! A handy trick I have learnt to use here, is to ask my spirit guides of unconditional love to guide the unfolding of events (warning this may make other people make a decision for you, or other unexpected events unfold - the very first time I practiced this, not trusting if re-connecting with someone would be for my highest good, if I was disillusioned, I had a flight home from a job in Sydney get cancelled unexpectedly which created an experience for me to spend time with a caring human, and avoid a rendezvous back home, with someone not so healthy for my highest good - this stuff works, when we trust it). Back to the story, this beautiful man who I was open to seeing how our time together would unfold, before we even spent much time together, pulled the reigns, and asked to explore just a friendship, nothing beyond, as he wanted to see if he could reconnect with his ex partner who had lightened up with him over the wk-end - it doesn’t sound so bad, and in fact it isn’t so bad, but the previous day I opened myself up to adoring him, which then created a desire of wanting to get to know him (slowly but most likely intimately), even with a mental note to check in with my intuition, and an awareness of the uncertainty of age difference. After allowing myself to adore this being, I got ahead of the present moment and imaged how our next days or weeks of spending time getting to know each other might unfold, I had some plans of what to do with the dogs so we could go surfing, I had a meal in mind that I wanted to cook for him. Because nothing more than a couple of beach dates (maybe just hangs?), casual dinner and one kiss good bye had unfolded, when he pulled the reigns, I felt caught off guard, usually a kiss sealed someone’s interest, I was expecting we would kiss at least a few more times before deciding to either go deeper, or move back into a friendship space - the decision made felt like it was not mine, I believe this is what hurt the most, it was not mine and it was unexpected, I felt powerless and unwanted, but I also couldn’t comprehend everything, because I thought I saw myself as empowered and of great value (I’m smirking here, this container of self confidence has taken quite a bit of self work, it’s not in an Aquarian’s nature to think of themselves as wonderful, we inherently lack self confidence).
These stories, when we tell them to ourselves and imagine them, are what cause us pain, because we imagine how something will play out and then when it doesn’t manifest in our physical reality as we imagined it would, we feel a sense of disappointment, and even shock. I personally do not intend to stop creating and imagining stories, however as I progress through life I continuously learn (and sometimes forget), to have no attachment to the story to play out as I imagine, I simply think how nice it would be to experience the physical experience as I imagine, but am aware that it may not play out how I expect. What I am grateful for, is learning to trust the unfolding of events, so even though my heart was hurting, and I felt so confused, I also felt a sense of trust - and it is in this trusting, that triggered me to ask why I was feeling the way I did.
After asking why, and finally resting (I guess also surrendering), the clarity bomb hit, and I saw this person’s view as if I were him, I saw his decision through the eyes of compassion, I understood the decision he had made, I understood why he wanted to see if he could reconnect with his ex partner, I could see that part of me would feel comfortable choosing that path too, if I were him. Something about this clarity, released everything I had taken so personally, and released the thought that something must be wrong with me. I didn’t go deep with this person, or myself, so I couldn’t quite understand how such intensity of emotion had surfaced. After asking my guides for help, and sitting in silence, I real-eyesed I had a deep sadness that I was subconsciously carrying around within, which was triggered and surfaced (this upheaval of old patterns has been a collective energetic theme at the moment, during the days surrounding this New Moon in Aquarius 04.02.19). I finally saw the pattern that has followed me around in my dating experiences, sometimes obvious and sometimes subtle - when I meet someone who I think ‘my gosh, you’re beautiful, and I want you, but I’m not so sure if I can have you’, is more truthfully ‘my gosh you’re beautiful, I want to connect with you, but I’m not sure I am worthy of you/deserve you’. I have found there usually is an ex-partner of theirs who either shows back up and wants to reconnect, or an ex-partner that was never completely released. My first conscious experience of this, the guy I was into told me he was confused because his ex was contacting him again after a couple of months of us connecting, and I was writing to him at the same time which was making him confused, so I freaked and pretty much let go, I thought he was saying he chose her, with hindsight he was sharing that he felt confused, but I didn’t enter the ‘battle’, too scared of being vulnerable and witnessing him choose her over me, I freaked and pulled myself out. The last two times this has happened, I sat back, feeling hurt and frustrated, but also trusting in myself, in my own unique value, beauty and gifts, knowing that if they are meant for me they will choose me, and they did - if I wrote this even two days ago, I would have said ‘luckily they chose me’, but what I have realised now, is that there is no luckily, I do not want a man to choose me over another woman, I do not want to compete with other women, not because I am scared I will lose, but because I do not want to be the woman who wins OR loses, I want myself AND other women to feel loved -obviously not by the same man, I’m not quite that enlightened just yet, my woman and human qualities would certainly get the better of me in such a situation. I want to connect with a man who has tied up his loose ends, completed the full cycle of partnerships where there is no ex who thinks there might still be a connection worth digging up again or saving. I want a man who has decided a partnership is over and experienced at least a moment of life where he is experiencing the empowerment and bliss of being good on his own, yet inspired by the desire to share part of himself and his path with, a partner perfectly matched to his soul and lifestyle values. Only then do I want to connect and partner up with a man intimately. In wanting this, I realise I in turn I need to create that space for myself, and be that kind of woman - so although I thought I was in this space, even a couple of days ago, I realised I was not, I still had ties with previous lovers, although I’m not currently physically intimate with anyone, I still had communication with a couple of men who were intimate partners of mine, the physical connection was over, but the emotional connection was not - and this I believe is an action that makes us feel like we still have options, we still feel that at least someone out there has love for us and lets us love them, but is this kind of holding on healthy? I had figured that if I met someone in my physical reality and decided to partner with them, I would tie the loose ends of the emotional connections then, I always thought that was fine to do, so long as I was not physically intimate with anyone. However, when seeing this play out as a mirror reflection in my physical reality, finally understanding why I have attracted men who still have some sort of connection with their ex, I realised it is not okay, if I am going to magnetise a partner who chooses everything about me to partner up with, I need to make sure everything about me is free to partner with. SO, I cut my cords, energetically and physically (okay I still have one connection to work out, but I intend to work through it as soon as possible, I first had to work through getting back into my heart space, into a balanced state, and out of my mind, as I want to work through it from a compassionate and clear space rather than a mental, triggered space).
What I further realised about this pattern that has been playing out, is that I have had an unconscious (until now) mental and emotional block - I have felt unworthy of perfect love! That is why I have been attracting men who might appear completely free and able to share deep love, but then either become only partially interested, or emotionally unavailable, or have an ex come and tempt them to reconnect etc. Don’t cry me a river here just yet, I’ve also had beautiful, loving men present themselves to me to potentially connect with, but something has just not felt completely right for me to want to, the match has not been perfect for the kind of lifestyle my heart and soul desires (these desires have been rapidly expanding over the past two years, I’m having to work hard in keeping up and seeing them with enough clarity to comprehend my physical reality and what I am calling in!) Also, I have always felt it is better to do life on my own, choosing and enjoying all the things I love, than following a path that does not 100% light me up, with another being, I only reached the point of being willing to compromise, last year, which hasn’t happened since my first long term relationship when I was 22 - 26, I remember so clearly how ready I was by 22 to partner with someone, it was the most satisfying, heart filling experience - challenging too of course, but worth every moment! I feel we go through cycles of feeling inspired to be on our own, or be in partnership - not everyone, some people are here to experience the Twin Flame, Soul Mate connection, and some of us are here to experience ourselves, regardless of that, I do feel physical, emotional and mental connections with other beings are healing and beauty-full for all, there is something about connecting with others that soothes and heals us all. The connection may be eye contact, touch, or sound.
In the moment after resting and receiving my clarity on why my heart was hurting so much, I sat quietly, and asked to surface more truth, I said out loud how I felt, I found the first few statements were lies, I was lying to myself (we all do this, we can be clever tricksters), then slowly I started realising and saying how I truly felt, what I came to discover was that I felt unworthy of perfect love, hence attracting partners that were not perfect for me. I did a round of EFT, emotional freedom technique, to clear the thought pattern and emotion from my meridians, had another short rest and woke up feeling inspired again, my heart felt good, I went outside and danced! I could not even imagine dancing an hour earlier, I felt such deep sadness, heaviness, lost, and sleepy, I wanted to sleep the day and night away, which was frustrating because the days preceding I had endless inspiration for work and life flood through me. EFT has worked wonders for me - and again with hindsight, I have realised what a gift this week’s experience has been, it played out so perfectly, so I could finally discover hidden truths that have been holding me back from experiencing a deeper love and fulfilling partnership, a big part of what my heart currently desires and gets excited about!
I have created an EFT guidance video to show you how I worked through this particular emotion and thought pattern. It is a good starting point if you find you are not attracting perfect love into your world, or any issues with a sore heart, as you tap through simply say out loud statements that feel correct for you and where you are at on your life path, you should eventually get to a statement that resonates so much truth that your body releases energy through tears, or you may even cry! If this happens keep tapping on that so you can clear it from your being. After a round, or ten (seriously, as many rounds as you can handle or feel necessary), make sure you get some rest, even just ten minutes sitting or lying in silence, drink some pure water and then check in with how you feel - hopefully you feel lighter and more clear.
If you would like help uncovering emotional or mental patterns that might be blocking you, or an introduction into how to use EFT, I am available to hold space and guide you via Skype, zoom, or in person in the Northern Rivers of NSW, simply e-mail me firstname.lastname@example.org your preferred time of day + day. Read more about booking sessions here.
Have a beauty-full evening! X Sarah