I WANT SOMEONE WHO IS UP FOR THE SAME KIND OF RIDE
One of the biggest pitfalls with men in my first couple of relationships was that they gave me everything I wanted – I had no idea at the time what I was doing, somehow I had learnt that that is what a man needed to do, give me everything, show me that I was the most important thing in his world, if he wanted me to open up and love him. When he did however, I slowly lost interest, I saw him as not strong enough, I felt a lot of the decision making relied heavily on me, I got tired, I didn’t feel like I could let go and trust him to make the right decisions for both of us which wore me out. I had no idea what I was doing, most of it was on a subconscious level, I wasn’t even properly aware how much I was testing him, and expecting from him.
What I have come to understand, with a big thank you for the clarity from David Deida in his 1997 book, The Way of The Superior Man, is that these men collapsed their world for me, which as a concept on its own is so damn incredibly beautiful! However in doing so, I saw that they relied on me to hold the walls up, which meant I could never completely let go and fully relax into my feminine energy, I felt I had to stay strong, double check all decisions made, it was exhausting. The feminine is all about letting go, flowing, like water… we love to move where we are guided to move, like a flowing river, guided only by its banks. This in no way means we are not capable of making our own decisions, or guiding ourselves, we most certainly are, but when we find our masculine match we adore being able to switch off, relax, and flow. If we are predominantly feminine, some women have a predominant masculine energy and some men a predominant feminine energy, I believe mine once was predominantly masculine but I am naturally drawn to being more feminine, so my happy balance comes from being more in my feminine energy (sexually). Whatever state we are in, we attract the opposite, so a woman who is predominantly masculine will attract a man who is predominantly feminine, and vice versa, a woman who is predominantly feminine will attract a man who is predominantly masculine – everything in this world of polarities is about balancing and dancing between polarities. As humans we do really well to balance our masculine and feminine energy, as both qualities serve us in this world, however for some of us I feel we are all naturally inclined to be, and emanate more of the one of those energies.
The more I contemplated this concept of men collapsing their world for me, and observed my own behaviour in intimate relationships, the more clarity I gained – I realised how unattractive men who let me push them around were to me sexually, although beautiful and generally very kind souls, who make wonderful friends, but as for a lover there simply is no sexual attraction there, I believe that is because I like to relax into my feminine, so do really well with a man who can hold his own, and emits a strong masculine energy. By no means was I aware I was 'pushing men around', I was more so testing them, testing if they would collapse for me, which actually is not what most women who emit more feminine energy want, we want to be adored and loved, but we also want a man who can be firm in moments of knowing what he wants too. Also by strong I do not mean emotionally unavailable, quite the contrary, strong to me means knowing enough of who we are in moments of time, being aware of what we do and do not love, being open to trying new things, but being able to say no if they go against our values – knowing and voicing what we do and do not like, while being open to change that aligns with our values (this is something much easier to do in our 30s, as our 20s are so much about discovering all of this for ourselves, through trial and error) .
Authenticity, openness, adventurous, fearless, aware, compassionate, wild (yet loving), are all elements of strength to me, they make up part of my ‘good’, therefore a ‘good’ man for me possesses such qualities. So forget the conventional conversation about good men, nice men, versus bad men, there is no such thing, each person makes up their own idea of what is good, nice, or bad based on their own values. I personally want a man who can stand his ground, who I can trust has enough life experience to boss me around in moments of time, but will also allow me to have moments of being in charge too, I want a man who will talk to me about his feelings, but also let me know when he has had enough, I’ll save some of the deep conversation for my girlfriends, who are most certainly my soul mates, not quite on the intimate level as my lover, but on a heart felt, kindred level. Summed up, I want a man who is in for the same kind of ride, who will push me every now and then, and let me push him to be adventurous! You cannot expect to have someone tell you the way, without being able to tell them the way, we are after all co-creating, and deciding to be in a relationship is all about deciding to do life with someone else, which means some sort of compromise from both sides.